.the vacuum of self-dissatisfaction.

I know I have written a few posts on how I am trying to lose weight. Since this has been on my mind a lot lately (only two more months before our big vacation), I have been pondering why I feel not just adamant about losing the weight, but very emotional about it as well.

I haven't solved that mystery completely, but I am going to throw out one thing I think is key: society. Yes, I said it. Yes, it's cliched.Yes, I still think there is some truth there. And no, I am not trying to find a scape goat for why I can't stop eating sweets. Ha, ha!

Our culture places so much emphasis on appearance and looks, that sometimes it is hard not to get completely consumed by it. We associate our worth as a person with what we look like. Our physical attributes become enmeshed with, and inseparable from, our own sense of self worth. It's an unfortunate, and costly, mistake to confuse the two as interchangeable.

By placing so much importance on outward appearance, we sadly overlook the things that truly define a person: intelligence, a caring heart, personality, opinions, talents, beliefs, morals, creativity, and all the other little things that combine to make each of us unique. It is even sadder when we focus on what we think (strong emphasis on think) is wrong with our own physical appearance. We define ourselves by the digits on our bathroom scales, the number on the tag of our jeans, or one feature or another that we don't think is "good enough."

One example of this is Heidi Montag. Some of you may not really know who she is, and those of you that do are probably tired of hearing about her recent surgical endeavors. Well, too bad. I'm going to say a word about them here anyway. Keep in mind, this girl is 23 years old; she is 6 months younger than I am.

Did you catch that? How 'bout one more time?

 According to FamousPlastic.com, here is a list of surgeries she has undergone so far (remember, she is only 23!):
-Nose job
-Breast augmentation
-Lip injections
- Brow lift
- Botox
- Nose job #2
- Fat injections in the face
- Chin reduction
- Liposuction of the neck
- Liposuction on the waist
- Liposuction on the hips
- Liposuction on the thighs
- Ears pinned back
- Breast augmentation #2
- Butt augmentation

To me, this is sad testament to how we choose assign value ourselves and each other. Heidi Montag was quoted as saying, "I just wanted to feel more confident and look in the mirror and be like, 'Whoa! That's me!' I was an ugly duckling before." Maybe it's just me, but the girl in the before pictures does not look like "an ugly duckling."

Of course, thanks to free agency, everyone can make their own decisions... and plastic surgery was hers. I just can't help but think how outside influences may have made her feel like what she looked like wasn't good enough. How hard would that be, to not like who you are based on something that matters so little in the long run?

It may be difficult to separate ourselves from this cultural mindset of physical beauty above all else (I know that I struggle with it), but I would hope that we would all try to see ourselves for who we really are. Not our flesh and bone structure and extra fat, but our hearts and souls and minds that truly define us and give us endless possibilities to succeed and excel!

Okay. Deep breath. I know that was a lot to read from the soapbox at one time. I am aware that I tend to run on and on with these kinds of posts. I'm not trying to be preachy; I just feel so strongly about some things. If you don't love me for my ramblings, please forgive them; I honestly can't help myself. Ha, ha!

P.S. On a more positive note, Jessica Simpson has a show coming out of Vh1 about what is beautiful in different countries and cultures. I think it could be really interesting to see what is considered attractive in the world outside our own cultural perspective. Check out this article and the video below!

.a small success.

Huzzah! Today, I do my happy dance. "Why?" you ask? I'll tell you. I just finished getting ready for my brother-in-laws wedding tonight and opted to wear a dress I bought for a friends wedding in November.

When I purchased said dress, it was quite form-fitting. Its pencil skirt hugged my hips tightly and the sleeves sqeezed my arms a little too much for my liking. It was almost to the point of being too small (*groan*), but I made it work... mostly because I couldn't bear to go up another size.

Today, however, I put the dress on and... it is almost too big!

Hallelujah! My faith has been restored! Cutting calories and being a Nazi about everything that enters my mouth has had an effect! Granted, it's a relatively small effect, but it's something.

This is the boost I needed to continue on my diet plan. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Now all I have to worry about is wearing a baggy dress to the wedding...

.holiday dieting: bah humbug.

Okay. It's official. I picked the worst time to start a diet. It seems like everywhere I look, there is some tasty treat just begging to be sampled. Cookies, pie, candies, molten chocolate cake (mmmm...), fudge... I could go on, but I'm starting to feel some ominous hunger pangs.

I think all in all, I have done pretty well so far. Granted, I have still "sampled" almost every Christmas treat that has wandered my way, but to my credit, I have not overindulged as is my typical tendency.

For some reason, I have become a bit of a two year old when it comes to food in the past couple of years. An odd metaphor, I know, but it's an appropriate one. I have always had some odd little... compulsions... but lately I feel like I absolutely have to scarf down enormous amounts of food when presented with anything delicious. I am like a selfish little kid who wants to eat all the candies in the candy jar to make sure no one eats them before she can get her fill... even if she is feeling a little queasy.

It's like my mind thinks it may be my very last chance to taste mashed potatoes or pink frosted sugar cookies or cheese pizza. So, better eat 'til I'm beyond full and slightly sick.

I have only just started to really notice it because now I am trying to watch what I put in this gob of mine. I often reach for food when I'm not hungry. I may be bored or stressed or "munchy," but not hungry.

So, I take pride in the fact that now I can have one piece of fudge, instead of rationalizing reasons to eat my second, third, and tenth piece, and not feel deprived. I can't guarantee, however, that come Christmas day I won't let the diet slip a little. 'Tis the season, after all!

.in it to lose it.

Alright. That's it. I'm done. Done with this "baby weight." Done with not fitting any of my old jeans. Done with feeling awkward about my body and uncomfortable with the way I look. Done with feeling unhealthy. The weight is coming off starting NOW!

My husband's family is planning a family reunion for May in... Pirates Cove! Pirates Cove! If you don't know what Pirates Cove is, view this video. Anyway, I must, must, must be able to wear a swimming suit. In my current state, swimwear ain't happenin,' my friends. Swimwear ain't happenin.'

So, here's the plan:

• Watch my caloric intake
• Exercise
  
• Drink loads of water

And finally...

• Stick to the plan! 

I'm hoping that documenting my quest for skinny jeans and bathing suits here will give me motivation to press on... if not to brag about my uber successful endeavor, then to avoid total web humiliation.

And so, it begins... wish me luck! 

P.S. Don't worry, I will still be posting oodles of yummy recipes here and on my "official" recipe blog, The Queen of Cuisine. I'm a foodie! I can't help myself!